take care of yourself

hug-2381652_1920

Sometimes you just feel that something is not going well. You have a presentiment that you’ve been paralyzed and that something is going to happen. Or has already happened. You are nervous, you think that it would be naive and weird to smile and enjoy your life, as you know that there is something that doesn’t let you do this. You are afraid to talk, to ask, to listen. So that you do not reach the epicenter of the problem. Then is when you should take care of yourself.

*

You’re worried, you’re struggling, you’re trying to understand if it was you who had made a mistake or someone else. You spiritually visit the people you love, in order to realize if they are hurt or not. You look around, but nothing’s changed. The same fugitive looks, the same smiles, soaked with childlike wishes, the same smiles which have the colour of the sunset in february: red, full of life, warm. The same holding of hands, the same enjoyed coffee, the same books which are left forgotten on the shelves, the same lovers on the bench in the park, the same „I love you” whispered stealthily. The same initimity, the same everything. What would it be then? Paranoia? False alarm?

You run all around, you thoroughly analize everything, you notice every single face that was part of your life or that still is, trying to realize if any of the faces want to come back or leave. Then you stop, because you cannot take it anymore.

You realize that you are the problem. That you have something inside which doesn’t let you enjoy the same „whole”. You do have something inside which is still bleeding, it’s been years. And when it gets bigger, it bleeds more and you have that feeling, that something’s not going well.

And, eventually, the only one who’s hurt is you…

So, take care.

depression-94808_1920

things to remember

_mg_7127

one evening, we were running through the flowers on that plain. we were running after the sunset, it was trying to escape, while the moon was hunting us.

your childlike laugh and your brooding look were chasing me more. then, I stopped and examined attentively every single move of yours, looking at you contemplatively, while you were thinking that I was listening to your stories. I was trying to remember every line on your face and the symmetry or asymmetry of your body. 

I wanted to ask you what were you thinking about at 3 o’clock in the morning, but I did not, as your voice was like a solace for me and I had no courage to stop you.

I learnt everything about you, so that I could project you in my mind everytime I wanted to. 

„To Kill a Mockingbird”, Harper Lee

2657

It’s a strange book. I had no idea what it was about, I didn’t read any reviews or summaries, I just started to read it because it was such a „popular” book. Firstly, I thought it was a thriller book, because of the Radley House and the story of that family. The book was creepy and I could have sworn the plot would have been about the misterious family and about the kids being related to it. Then it escalated quickly and it was about a trial, Negroes, justice and, of course, mockingbirds (figuratively, of course). I didn’t expect such a turn in the plot. But I managed to finish it.

And now about the feeling that I had while reading the book. Ok, it was a fine reading. It was pure, innocent, childlike and interesting (here and there). But nothing important happened till page 200 (or something like that). There were just ordinary events that didn’t exactly have an impact on me. Then started the trial and, of course, I was curious about how it would end and it was the climax of the book.

Then that feeling went away and again started the daily routine. I didn’t even manage to read every single word, because I was so bored. Then again, the author got it right with the ending, as I hadn’t at all expected that.

And I was actually crying while finishing the book. I do not know why, but I was crying, it gave me a strange feeling. It felt like that poor little girl was too young to experience such terrible things and it just hit me. And I couldn’t stop it. It was a feeling of loneliness, of wilderness, of nothingness. It felt like they were alone in that world.

So, it was hard to decide how many stars it deserved on Goodreads. I didn’t like it, but actually did. But I gave it 4 stars as it was much better than other books that had 3 stars.

Have you smiled today?

16650361_1429654280438722_1633617908_n

Do you realize how lucky you are if you have someone to synchronize your breath with?

Do you know how much it means to have a person to call everytime you need it?

Do you understand that if you keep running after the Sun, you’ll only get rain and snow?

I keep wondering if you have found out that you do not have time at all. You have to smile now, to fight now, to grow up now, to say „I love you” now, to hug as tight as you can now. And do you know why? Because you do not have time at all…

Have you noticed that everything’s changing? That nothing lasts longer than it has to last?

 

Do you know that everytime you go to bed you have to forget about everything and fill your heart with warmth and love?

Please, just get it, you are much happier than anyone else, because you can still laugh heartily at a bad joke of someone whom you love much more than you love ice-cream on a  long hot summer day.

 

 

Harry Potter, somehow

A hot summer day had brought me to a library that never let me go without a book in my hands.

The first book was Harry Potter.

Harry Potter.

If I had to choose just a book to keep, I would definitely choose Harry Potter. People told me that I was childlike and this idea was absurd. Some people actually laughed.
This is not absolutely not absurd. I grew up with Harry Potter. It won my attention from the very first moment I took it in my hands.

I periodically reread some excerpts because only they can help me get up when I just can’t move forward. It’s not just a book. It is a good friend that’s always ready to support and show my way to the Sun, to the light, to happiness. It is a dear soul which I would never let too far away from me. It is a life, a heart that beats together with mine.

It was magic. From the very first moment I took it in my hands and till now – it is magic. And it wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t read it.

It’s pure magic. Literally and in the every real sense of this word.

I read and reread the books in different phases of my life and I discovered a lot of things that hadn’t while reading as a kid. And believe me, there were so many such moments…

I have always tried to realize what Harry Potter taught me and I understood that there were too many things to be listet. However, the most important thing was that for the first time in my life I noticed what sacrifice meant. I learnt how to be a good friend, what sincerity, fidelity, harmony, justice and help meant and… and I learnt how to love unconditionally because, as Marin Preda said, if love isn’t, nothing is…

A month ago I received the most beautiful gifts in my entire life. First of all, they were the most beautiful because they were from two most beautiful and dearest persons in the whole world and, secondly, because there isn’t a better gift than that imaginary hand towards the sun.

16425285_1419899794747504_1672129208_n

16443671_1419899681414182_137588052_n

I missed that united „gang” of friends, that unshakeable friendship, those emotional and physical bounds. I missed it so much. And I will always miss it. Maybe that’s why I will daily put one of the books on my nightstand. And it doesn’t even matter how old I will be. Harry Potter doesn’t have an age, it has a character.

P.S. In case you do not understand what is in the second photo: it is a box with Hogwarts painted on it by my lovely best friend.

The Vortex

16295358_1411054328965384_1155956664_n

Someone has thrown me in a vortex. My body’s contorting, because I’m afraid of slipping over. Or worse, afraid of having the courage to give up.

I like sunshines and I like tulips. Maybe if there were sunshines in the whirlwind, I could catch them, I would myself paint wings and I would fly slowly through the clouds, like an april-swallow would do. Or maybe if there were tulips, their fragrance could tempt the wind to quiet its fury.

Or maybe I just have to wake up and not to believe in tales. Maybe I just have to look in the mirror and realize that I’m the vortex.. I’m the only one who can calm my own spirit.

 

bedtime story

16144620_1406237142780436_927049681_n

You do not organize a trip in the mountains just to see them. You want to see yourself more than anything. You want to find yourself, you want to try to rebuild or discover something.

I looked for fresh air. We looked for fresh air. And, obviously, for beauty.
We followed the clouds
and we switched our heads to see the mountains,
we walked a lot to reach the destination,


we insisted on freezing and getting hungry just to enjoy the warmth and that tasty steak,
we visited castles, streets, parks,
we climbed a lot of stairs,
we searched for chairs that would alleviate the fatigue,
we ran to the train station just to catch the trains
and then we slept in those trains,
we tasted the snow and then we tasted the Sun,
we found what we wanted to find,
we screamed,
we saw everything,
and, inevitably, we laughed, a lot.

We had a trip in „history”, and we did photos secretly, and we had fun,
we ate chocolate,
we looked for fir tree smell and we wanted so much to taste it, but gave up on this.

Busteni made us dream,
Sinaia made us run,
Brasov made us sing.

16144468_1406237196113764_1137559029_n

We have found our shadow. Did you?

paradox

4366888279_9ee49ec298_b
Photo source

Here the city is covered with snow.
Somewhere there you’re playing the guitar, wearing shorts and T-shirts.

We are nesting under our soft blankets, hugging the ones we love and trying not to overthrow the cup of tea that we’re holding in our hands.
You’re standing by the fire on a beach, telling each other stories.

It’s already dark outside at 5 p.m. here.
But you’re only starting your day at 5 p.m.

We’re throwing ourselves in snow, like lost souls. Just to let a shadow behind us.
You’re stepping on sand.

We miss summer.
You’re dreaming of winter.

2016 in some words

It is hard to summarize a whole year in some words. There were so many unexpected things that changed the whole world my whole world.

It started with a cold winter. With snow, movies and candles. Then with exams, sleepless nights, coffee, joy, regrets and friendships. What a strange combination! But still, it was beautiful.

It had, to some extent, a nice continuation. It was a hard year, much harder than I had expected. But it was nice exactly because of this. It teached me to lose. To give up. It teached me to hold hands only with those people who let you hold their hands. And there were few of them. Still, enough. It teached me to accept and to speak. And then to listen. To run away, to escape, to hide.

After hiding, I looked for the way out of the hiding-place. And I found the door  liberty. And I followed it, of course.

*

And then, about other goals. I did enough to transform this year in a memorable one.
Of course, I didn’t read as many books as I had wanted to. You never read as much as you plan to, actually. But there were good books.
I danced. A lot. At wonderful events, with my make-up on and well dressed. Also in my bedroom, in my pajamas, with my long, disheveled hair and sleepy mood.
I talked. Like A LOT. Just to be rememebered 🙂
Oh, I also cried, but tshhh!, don’t say a word, because then I laughed more (heartily!).
I loved unconditionally and I gave as much as I could give.
I did everything I could to make someone happy.

*

 

This year grabbed my arm and asked me to follow it, promising light.

And it gave me exactly what he had promised to give.

So, thanks, 2016.

15781657_1149564485097236_9098003725913766728_n

let it rain

let it rain with silence. to wash off the noise.
the noise that was pressing us, the noise that was making us feel small and helpless.

let it rain with news. beautiful and serene news. with hugs and kisses. with thoughtful and enthusiastic facial expressions. let it rain with a newer „us”.

let it rain with dreams and fresh memories. with a forgotten past and a bright future. let the rain erase all the accumulated scars.

let it rain with smiles.
let it rain for us to recover, to rebuild.

rain-down-prophetic-art-painting
Photo Source